This is not a post about what meditation is. It is about my personal experience with it.
Let’s be honest, we all thought the practice of meditation was something exquisite. I, for one, certainly thought so. I believed that it changes your paradigm of existence and let’s you experience something beyond the conventional reality that we all know of.
After several failed attempts spanning over several years starting from mid 20s, I have been finally able to practice meditation on a regular basis everyday. I have been using this app on my smart phone that provides guided meditation sessions and several podcast sessions from experts (philosophers, scientists, and more) on this domain.
After almost a week of practicing meditation (Introductory Course), I don’t feel that I have made any significant progress yet nor do I feel anything different. Such a bummer.! But at the same time, I feel as though there are these subtle states of experiences that I notice which I definitely did not have on day 1. To give some context, so far it has been only about focusing my attention or awareness onto an object. A sensory object such as a sound, or a physical feel (the weight of your own body or even an itch), or an object in the visual field. And you simply notice these objects without judgement. Of course, you start drifting away in thoughts. But thats okay. As soon as I realize it, I was guide to bring back my attention to the object I was focusing.
Today was different. The object of today’s session was a feeling. Anxiety was the feeling I was having at the time of meditation today. I don’t remember why I was feeling anxious. Anyway, it does not matter the background of that feeling, but the fact that I was trying to focus on the experience of anxiety itself. It was hard to focus and be aware of the feeling as it was unlike any other sensory object. It was bizarre trying to focus on the feeling on anxiety only because I was not sure where it was localized. I knew it was happening inside me but that wasn’t helpful. It was extremely challenging to focus on the location or origin of this feeling. Intuitively, you know its your mind generating this feeling. But we all know that that’s not the only place you feel it.
As I was trying to wrap my awareness and focus on the feeling of anxiety, it suddenly faded away. Poof !!! Vanished!!! There was a sudden onset of calm spreading over my novice mind, and before it could self-sustain, unfortunately, it vanished too. That’s okay. I was not prepared or agile to retain that state anyway. Thats the skills you gain after a week’s practice of meditations. Anyhow, I kind of freaked out and was thrown back to the experience of anxiety.
Now, was this any progress ? I am not quite certain about it. I consider myself having glimpsed into a world of possibilities. What I am confident about is that there are more such experiences waiting to happen if I keep persisting.
Cheers !