Author: Manoj

Weekend Trip To Milan

Weekend Trip To Milan

Experience, Travel

Waking up at 4AM to catch the 6:20AM train from Modena to Milano was an overkill. But it was a much-needed head start considering the fact that Hema had to do her make-up routine after her shower. 

As usual I was quick to get ready and started annoying Hema as it was getting late. I remember she was pissed off that I kept calling out the time every minute and how that reminded her of her dad. 

I guess it’s an (Indian) guy thing. We wanted to leave at least 15 minutes earlier than our plan, so that we wouldn’t have to run to the train station. But we ended up leaving the house at the threshold wherein we had to do a fast-paced walk to reach the station on time. Anyway, we reached the station on time.

We only had to wait 3-4 minutes on the platform before our train arrived. Thanks to online booking, we didn’t have to waste a couple of minutes on validating the tickets.  As we didn’t have any breakfast in the morning, other than a glass of water before leaving the house, we were already feeling hungry. Hema keeps telling me that I cannot tolerate hunger. That’s mostly true. But she was prepared for it. A pack of multigrain cookies in her backpack saved us from eating each other. 😁

Happily, munching on our cookies, our journey began. 2 hours 15 minutes of chatting politics, science, and gazing at the scenery, we spent our time talking nonsense as usual. Excited and planning our day, we recited our plan for the day. Milan Cathedral was the first one on the itinerary. A clear sky would be an absolute delight for a view from the top. Unfortunately, the weather forecast for Milan was scattered thunderstorms 😢.

However, we were lucky to find out upon reaching the cathedral that it was not that bad. And surprisingly the square of the Duomo was not as crowded as we anticipated. Mostly because we were so early to reach there. Anyway, after taking a couple of pictures we headed straight to the rooftop of the cathedral. Below, are some beautiful clicks from the view.

The return stairwell from the roof led straight into the cathedral and we enjoyed the amazing interiors of the cathedral walking around. We also went to the archelogical area and meseum of Duomo.

The next item on the itinerary was lunch, a proper Italian restaurant. We found a decent restaurant near the Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II. The oldest active shopping gallery. 

I ordered tagliatelle with chicken and mushrooms and Hema ordered a platter of focaccia. Though it was too much quantity, it looked beautiful, nevertheless. Several slices of focaccia topped with mozzarella, pesto plus yellow and red cherry tomatoes were so colorful that Hema’s decided not to finish it off 😜. With oil and pesto dripping Hema’s fingers, she ate as much as she could and got the remaining food packed. We finally finished off our meal with a cafe. In about an hour, we were done. It was almost 2PM. With a full tummy, we moved on towards the Castello Sforzesco. The sky was cloudy, and we knew then it was going to rain.

So, no pictures from during that time. 😢

We did walk around Milano, going every which way we could. At one point we were so tired we couldn’t walk further. We had to stop and rest for a while. Our calf and thigh muscles were aching really bad. Somehow, we gathered all the energy we could and headed towards the station to return home. We finally made it home at around 9.45PM and the Focaccia that we packed was a life saver. We didn’t have to cook at that time. We slept off at 11PM and woke up after around 10 hours. Every muscle in our body was exhausted. We were really concerned about our trip again to Milano. Because the weekend was not over yet for us.

The plan was to go watch the Tamil movie Vikram which was screening at the Arcobaleno Film Center. Sunday came and we did the whole routine again, but only this was it was the 7.30AM train. The theatre was filled with Tamil community. Keralites, Sri Lankan Tamils and more. It is always surprising for me to see so many Tamils at outside India. It was one time before, many years ago, that I experience such an event for a screening of another Tamil movie.

The Illusion of Self (week 3-4)

The Illusion of Self (week 3-4)

Experience, Meditations

It has been a couple of weeks since I started practicing meditation. Today’s meditation session, as usual, started off with focusing or noticing the breath as first, then gradually swaying, to notice bodily sensations, sounds and then to slowly to feelings. Little did I know that I was about to experience something really profound and at the same time realize a potential consequence that is disturbing.

Today’s practice was about searching. Searching for the focal point that is at the grand stage of consciousness. The observer of objects, the thinker of thoughts, the seer of vision, the hearer of sounds, the feeler of feelings, the sufferer of pain and the self that is aware of all that can be felt.

The more I try to search for the focal point, the more difficult it becomes to continue. It wasn’t easy at all. Tracing back, treading slowing to find the origin of this focal point. The focal point probably doesn’t exist. I feel this way because I did get this empty feeling at the end of that pursuit. It just weird that there is a void at the source of it all. Let’s just take the guide’s word for granted and assume that the observer doesn’t really exist. And the feeling that there is a person or a self at the center of this awareness is simply but another thought in the many thoughts or feelings that appear to me. There is no one self that is producing these thoughts.

Let me quickly take a tangent here and describe something that happens always to me but notice it clearly during these mediation sessions. The drifting of thoughts or attention. Whenever I’m following the instructions of the guide, pointing my attention at something, often times it happens that my focus is just distracted, and my thoughts quickly engulf me and transport me to a different place before I even know it. It is not long before I notice it myself to bring me back to focusing my breath and the instructions of the guide. As per the guide, there is no judgement necessary for this drifting off. There is no guilt involved. I will come back as to why that is the case. The point here is that I had no idea when or how exactly I drifted off. After only a few moments into the drift that I even notice that I have drifted. This is to show that clearly, I have no control over my thoughts. It just appears in my consciousness.

The absence of the observer or self and that thoughts just appear to me, makes me think, am I really in the driver seat of my existence? And the guide makes me raise exactly the same question. If the absence of observer is really what it is, then there is no point in judgement or guilt for the natural state of mind (the drifting of thoughts). Even if I judge or guilt myself for drifting of, who am I really pointing this judgment towards? There is no ‘I’ at the other end. It is simply a thought. Self, then, is a GRAND, ELLABORATE ILLUSION. Isn’t it !?

I think I have a theory as to why it is important that we feel there is a self.

Imagine a simple scenario. You are facing a problem and you’re trying to solve it. Be it your school math problem or a way to reverse aging or a solution to global warming. It does not matter. It’s just a thought experiment. Just bear with me. Let’s say, you did come up with a solution or at least a potential solution.

Given that I described the possibility that there is no ‘You’ (or ‘I’) and that thoughts ( in this case the solution) just appear, is it reasonable to ask the following questions ?

  1. Who exactly came up with (produced) the solution?
  2. Did you really reach or conceive of the solution or did it, like a thought, come to you?

I have no freaking idea as to how to answer these questions. Maybe, I will find out eventually in upcoming sessions or maybe not. For now, I think its important to operate in life with the assumption that there is (there at least could be) indeed a self (‘I’) at the center. We are not just a passenger in our body, but rather a driver who is in control of what we think and what we do. Else the alternative, in my opinion now, is nihilism and/or total detachment. I’m being pessimistic. There is another alternative take of this realization. But that is for another post.

Cheers !

If health is gone, everything is gone

If health is gone, everything is gone

Experience, Thoughts

A healthy body is as important as a healthy mind. I knew if health is gone, everything is gone. But I never thought I would realize this early on.

Okay, let’s step back here a moment. I am not dying or anything. It’s just that after the most recent spine injury, ( a compressed disk L5-S1) life has not been the same. First instant on August 2021 and a second time April 2022. Reduction in mobility is the most frustrating aspect of it. The constant pain when you stretch your hamstrings and the fear of re-occurrence is even more daunting. The occasional neck pains caused by the daily 8 hour stare at the computer screen.

As I am trying to revive myself by spending 1 hour everyday walking, another injury. It seems fate has got some other plans for me. One fine day, when I feel, I could push myself to try and jog, I injured my left knee. A mild cartilage tear probably (aka Meniscal strain). The meniscal strain in the knee has caused a complete evasion tendency to fetch of things below my waist. This, combined with my back injury is really annoying me, sucking the life out of me. Every time, I bend to fetch something, I fear that I’m damaging it more, or to say the least, slowing down my recovery.

Constantly zoning out, thinking about the times when I could run, jump and climb as effortlessly as I can. I’m getting this feeling that those days are gone. I really want to bounce back to a life of fearless mobility. Though life has not hit me hard, I certainly sense what it is capable of.

Introduction to Meditations (Week-1)

Introduction to Meditations (Week-1)

Experience, Meditations

This is not a post about what meditation is. It is about my personal experience with it.

Let’s be honest, we all thought the practice of meditation was something exquisite. I, for one, certainly thought so. I believed that it changes your paradigm of existence and let’s you experience something beyond the conventional reality that we all know of.

After several failed attempts spanning over several years starting from mid 20s, I have been finally able to practice meditation on a regular basis everyday. I have been using this app on my smart phone that provides guided meditation sessions and several podcast sessions from experts (philosophers, scientists, and more) on this domain.

After almost a week of practicing meditation (Introductory Course), I don’t feel that I have made any significant progress yet nor do I feel anything different. Such a bummer.! But at the same time, I feel as though there are these subtle states of experiences that I notice which I definitely did not have on day 1. To give some context, so far it has been only about focusing my attention or awareness onto an object. A sensory object such as a sound, or a physical feel (the weight of your own body or even an itch), or an object in the visual field. And you simply notice these objects without judgement. Of course, you start drifting away in thoughts. But thats okay. As soon as I realize it, I was guide to bring back my attention to the object I was focusing.

Today was different. The object of today’s session was a feeling. Anxiety was the feeling I was having at the time of meditation today. I don’t remember why I was feeling anxious. Anyway, it does not matter the background of that feeling, but the fact that I was trying to focus on the experience of anxiety itself. It was hard to focus and be aware of the feeling as it was unlike any other sensory object. It was bizarre trying to focus on the feeling on anxiety only because I was not sure where it was localized. I knew it was happening inside me but that wasn’t helpful. It was extremely challenging to focus on the location or origin of this feeling. Intuitively, you know its your mind generating this feeling. But we all know that that’s not the only place you feel it.

As I was trying to wrap my awareness and focus on the feeling of anxiety, it suddenly faded away. Poof !!! Vanished!!! There was a sudden onset of calm spreading over my novice mind, and before it could self-sustain, unfortunately, it vanished too. That’s okay. I was not prepared or agile to retain that state anyway. Thats the skills you gain after a week’s practice of meditations. Anyhow, I kind of freaked out and was thrown back to the experience of anxiety.

Now, was this any progress ? I am not quite certain about it. I consider myself having glimpsed into a world of possibilities. What I am confident about is that there are more such experiences waiting to happen if I keep persisting.

Cheers !

THE BIG DAY 😍 – PART-2 | WEDDING

THE BIG DAY 😍 – PART-2 | WEDDING

Events, Experience
https://youtube.com/watch?v=5tbRer7dQr8

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Phasellus faucibus scelerisque eleifend donec. Non quam lacus suspendisse faucibus interdum posuere lorem. Sit amet mattis vulputate enim nulla aliquet. Molestie nunc non blandit massa enim. Est ullamcorper eget nulla facilisi etiam dignissim diam quis. Sed turpis tincidunt id aliquet risus feugiat. In aliquam sem fringilla ut morbi tincidunt augue interdum velit.

Malesuada nunc vel risus commodo viverra maecenas accumsan. Egestas erat imperdiet sed euismod. Et netus et malesuada fames ac.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Phasellus faucibus scelerisque eleifend donec. Non quam lacus suspendisse faucibus interdum posuere lorem. Sit amet mattis vulputate enim nulla aliquet. Molestie nunc non blandit massa enim. Est ullamcorper eget nulla facilisi etiam dignissim diam quis. Sed turpis tincidunt id aliquet risus feugiat. In aliquam sem fringilla ut morbi tincidunt augue interdum velit. Malesuada nunc vel risus commodo viverra maecenas accumsan. Egestas erat imperdiet sed euismod. Et netus et malesuada fames ac. Accumsan sit amet nulla facilisi morbi tempus. Augue ut lectus arcu bibendum at varius vel. Massa tincidunt dui ut ornare lectus sit amet.

Accumsan sit amet nulla facilisi morbi tempus. Augue ut lectus arcu bibendum at varius vel. Massa tincidunt dui ut ornare lectus sit amet. Orci dapibus ultrices in iaculis nunc sed. Posuere urna nec tincidunt praesent semper feugiat nibh. Tellus integer feugiat scelerisque varius morbi enim.

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Phasellus faucibus scelerisque eleifend donec. Non quam lacus suspendisse faucibus interdum posuere lorem. Sit amet mattis vulputate enim nulla aliquet. Molestie nunc non blandit massa enim. Est ullamcorper eget nulla facilisi etiam dignissim diam quis.

Sed turpis tincidunt id aliquet risus feugiat. In aliquam sem fringilla ut morbi tincidunt augue interdum velit. Malesuada nunc vel risus commodo viverra maecenas accumsan. Egestas erat imperdiet sed euismod. Et netus et malesuada fames ac.

THE BIG DAY 😍 – PART-1 | RECEPTION

THE BIG DAY 😍 – PART-1 | RECEPTION

Events, Experience
https://youtube.com/watch?v=5tbRer7dQr8

The last couple of days were the most stressful that I have ever been in my life. Wedding gown, make-up, suit, Italian visa documents and million other wedding, pre-wedding, and post-wedding arrangements. Even on the eve of 28th, I was busy running around getting a document. Even at 1AM, mehandi session. Slept off at 2 AM and woke up at 5AM. The time was 1PM. We reached the venue, SVV Kalyana Madappam. The last couple of days were the most stressful that I have ever been in my life.

Wedding gown, make-up, suit, Italian visa documents and million other wedding, pre-wedding, and post-wedding arrangements. Even on the eve of 28th, I was busy running around getting a document. Even wedding arrangements. Even on the eve of 28th, I wedding arrangements. Even on the eve of 28th, I was busy running around getting a document. Even at 1AM, mehandi session. Slept off at 2 AM and woke up at 5AM. The time was 1PM. We reached the venue, SVV Kalyana Madappam.

The last couple of days were the most stressful that I have ever been in my life. Wedding gown, make-up, suit, Italian visa documents and million other wedding, pre-wedding, and post-wedding arrangements. Even on the eve of 28th, I was busy running around getting a document. Even at 1AM, mehandi session. Slept off at 2 AM and woke up at 5AM. The time was 1PM. We reached the venue, SVV Kalyana MadappamThe last

Wedding gown, make-up, suit, Italian visa documents and million other wedding, pre-wedding, and post-wedding arrangements. Even on the eve of 28th, I was busy running around getting a document. Even wedding arrangements. Even on the eve of 28th, I wedding arrangements. Even on the eve of 28th, I was busy running around getting a document. Even at 1AM, mehandi session. Slept off at 2 AM and woke up at 5AM. The time was 1PM. We reached the venue, SVV Kalyana Madappam.

Accumsan sit amet nulla facilisi morbi tempus. Augue ut lectus arcu bibendum at varius vel. Massa tincidunt dui ut ornare lectus sit amet. Orci dapibus ultrices in iaculis nunc sed. Posuere urna nec tincidunt praesent semper feugiat nibh. Tellus integer feugiat scelerisque varius morbi enim. Sit amet purus gravida quis blandit turpis cursus in hac. Blandit turpis cursus in hac habitasse platea dictumst quisque. Laoreet suspendisse interdum consectetur libero id.

Accumsan sit amet nulla facilisi morbi tempus. Augue ut lectus arcu bibendum at varius vel. Massa tincidunt dui ut ornare lectus sit amet. Orci dapibus ultrices in iaculis nunc sed. Posuere urna nec tincidunt praesent semper feugiat nibh. Tellus integer feugiat scelerisque varius morbi enim. Sit amet purus gravida quis blandit turpis cursus in hac. Blandit turpis cursus in hac habitasse platea dictumst quisque. Laoreet suspendisse interdum consectetur libero id. Eu ultrices vitae auctor eu augue ut lectus arcu. Arcu non sodales neque sodales ut. Dui ut ornare lectus sit. Et tortor consequat id porta nibh venenatis cras sed. Ut consequat semper viverra nam libero justo. Venenatis tellus in metus vulputate. Gravida in fermentum et sollicitudin ac orci phasellus. Sed tempus urna et pharetra pharetra massa. Curabitur gravida arcu ac tortor dignissim convallis aenean et. Viverra tellus in hac habitasse platea dictumst vestibulum.

Accumsan sit amet nulla facilisi morbi tempus. Augue ut lectus arcu bibendum at varius vel. Massa tincidunt dui ut ornare lectus sit amet. Orci dapibus ultrices in iaculis nunc sed. Posuere urna nec tincidunt praesent semper feugiat nibh. Tellus integer feugiat scelerisque varius morbi enim. Sit amet purus gravida quis blandit turpis cursus in hac. Blandit turpis cursus in hac habitasse platea dictumst quisque. Laoreet suspendisse interdum consectetur libero id. Eu ultrices vitae auctor eu augue ut lectus arcu. Arcu non sodales neque sodales ut. Dui ut ornare lectus sit. Et tortor consequat id porta nibh venenatis cras sed. Ut consequat semper viverra nam libero justo. Venenatis tellus in metus vulputate. Gravida in fermentum et sollicitudin ac orci phasellus. Sed tempus urna et pharetra pharetra massa. Curabitur gravida arcu ac tortor dignissim convallis aenean et. Viverra tellus in hac habitasse platea dictumst vestibulum.

Arcu non sodales neque sodales ut. Dui ut ornare lectus sit. Et tortor consequat id porta nibh venenatis cras sed. Ut consequat semper viverra nam libero justo. Venenatis tellus in metus vulputate. Gravida in fermentum et sollicitudin ac orci phasellus. Sed tempus urna et pharetra pharetra massa. Curabitur gravida arcu ac tortor dignissim convallis aenean et. Viverra tellus in hac habitasse platea dictumst vestibulum.

The Subsequent Meets

The Subsequent Meets

Events, Experience

The second meet – 22-Apr-2019 – Evoke 2.0 resto lounge, Velachery, Chennai. 🤩🤩

Choice is always hard. It is every harder when the food on the menu is a lengthy list of gibberish. We both were expecting the other to make a choice. Finally, it was Manoj on the blind folds and pointing the finger randomly while I ask him to stop. It was Potato wedges and a drink that we don’t even remember. some sort of mojito/crushers like the ones you get at McDonals’s or KFC. Two introverts trying to socialize. What a funny scene !

Our third meet – 26-Apr-2019 – Anjappar Hotel, Pallikaranai, Chennai 💗💗

I freaked out that the plan was to have the wedding in 2019. I had hoped for at least 2 years of gap between engagement and the wedding. Fear and tears brought along by the pressure. After a ____ 

A family dinner at Anjappar

The fourth meet 29-April-2019

After having met at Hema’s place, we went to Cafe Coffee Day, Medavakkam, Chennai. It was funny that they didn’t have a single variety of tea that Manoj wanted. Finally, he settled for the green tea. At least we thought it was a healthy choice. We had a long chat along with my coffee ☕. As we started speaking and sipping our drinks, Manoj realized that the green tea was a really bad choice. He then decided to never have green tea again 😁

After coffee, we took a ride to the beach in ECR. As we were about to get out of the car, I started complaining like a little kid about the salty air, sticky skin, and the frizzy hair if we go and stand at the beach. And I never expected, but you did get a little annoyed. Somehow, I showed some cuteness and dragged him towards the beach. This was somewhere near Pannaiyur where there were only a few other people taking an evening stroll.  

As we stood there looking at the horizon in silence, I felt shy and had no clue what to say. The more you insisted that I talk about something, the harder my struggle became to think of something. I wanted to talk to you, but never could come up with the words.

The fifth and last meet of the year – 30-April-2019

We developed this strong connection in this short time, and we were already fearing the emotion of missing each other once we are long distance. It was painful and we are already hoping to be united again. It was with a heavy heart that I bid adieu to my dear “partner in crime”. Hiding my tears, I went back home hoping that Manoj would have a safe journey back to Italy. Things always don’t happen the way we want it to be.

Manoj’s return trip, as painful as it already was, got even more stressful. His connecting flight got canceled unexpectedly. After the 2019 Balakot Airstrike, the Pakistani airspace was closed which we had no idea of. As a consequence, the connecting flight from Delhi-Milan was canceled and re-routed with a 24 hour delay. 

Later the same day, he was made to accommodate in one of a not-so-bad hotel in Delhi with poor internet connection. After hearing this agonizing news, with more tears, I wanted to fly to Delhi and be with him. I even checked flights. He sounded really stresses out and sad. It sounded like he was breaking down and I had to be there with him. Anyway, things don’t always stay the same. The next day, he got a flight Delhi to Austria and we had the first ever video call during his layover at Vienna.         We were so happy to see each other again. Missing each other more. The next flight on the 2nd of May 2019 he flew from Austria and reached safely in Milan. I believed him when he said this trip from Chennai to Italy was the most stressful journey ever in his life. The next time we met, it was going to be the biggest day ever in our life. Looking forward to it.

The First Meet

The First Meet

Events, Experience

Hema and I first met each other on the 12th of April 2019 at a place which would have been the last place if we had the choice to pick it ourselves. It was a Hindu temple located in Chennai, a coastal city in Tamil Nadu, India. After a very quick acquaintance, we moved to a not so busy mall (Forum Vadapalani) nearby to really get to know each other.